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#1 mike the wiz

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 03:54 PM

Sorry if this thread has to be moved, just thought it might get more traffic in Miscellaneous. 

 

I'll start with a joke I stole;

 

A woman died and went to heaven and stood before God, and she wept because she had died at the age of forty years old. God responded; "Why do you weep, child?"

"Because I wanted to live much longer."

So God said; "I am bringing you back to life and you shall live for another forty years!"

The woman was delighted with great joy and she woke up back in her body. Then she started preparing for another forty years of life, she lost 100 pounds on a diet, got botox and plastic surgery, was extra nice to her enemies, got a tummy tuck, etc...then six months later she was hit by a car and died.

When she got to heaven she was very upset and asked; "God, you said I could live for another forty years I don't understand?"

To which God replied; "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't recognise you."


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#2 KillurBluff

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 05:13 PM

Sorry if this thread has to be moved, just thought it might get more traffic in Miscellaneous. 

 

I'll start with a joke I stole;

 

A woman died and went to heaven and stood before God, and she wept because she had died at the age of forty years old. God responded; "Why do you weep, child?"

"Because I wanted to live much longer."

So God said; "I am bringing you back to life and you shall live for another forty years!"

The woman was delighted with great joy and she woke up back in her body. Then she started preparing for another forty years of life, she lost 100 pounds on a diet, got botox and plastic surgery, was extra nice to her enemies, got a tummy tuck, etc...then six months later she was hit by a car and died.

When she got to heaven she was very upset and asked; "God, you said I could live for another forty years I don't understand?"

To which God replied; "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't recognise you."

:gigglesmile:



#3 KillurBluff

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 05:21 PM

I raise a few dozen chickens, this past Thanksgiving my wife had to work 12 hrs at the hospital and ask if i'd make the family dinner. The nice man i am, i was happy to do so. She came home around 6:30 p.m. to 2 nicely roasted chickens fresh from the yard. The family said NEVER again!!


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#4 cheeseburger

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 05:23 PM

How many Anglicans (or Episcopalians ) does it take to change a light bulb?

10 - 1 to change it and nine to say they preferred the previous bulb.
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#5 piasan

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 07:19 PM

(from various sources)

 

Softball in Heaven

Bertha and Betty

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."

"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."

"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.

"Bertha! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.

"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who
died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best
of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

 

 


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#6 KillurBluff

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 10:03 AM

Indeed i stole this joke also but find it utterly hilarious.  Question: Why do those of whom chose to become Accountants do so? Answer: Because they lack the sympathy required to be a Mortician!! :acigar:


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#7 mike the wiz

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 10:45 AM

Lol.

 

Here's one I'll try;

 

A man is walking down the street and he sees one hundred dollars fall out of someone's wallet so he takes the money for himself, but then feels guilty, so he goes to three people of faith to ask their opinion. The first man is a catholic priest and he says; "say three holy Marys and an our father, to make up for it." But after doing this he still feels guilty so he goes to the second man who is a Hindu, and he says to him, "take the money and donate it to someone to make up for your sin." So he takes his money, and goes to the third man who is an evangelist prosperity teacher, and the preacher says, "Praise the Lord, I'll take your donation!"



#8 KillurBluff

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 10:55 AM

Lol.

 

Here's one I'll try;

 

A man is walking down the street and he sees one hundred dollars fall out of someone's wallet so he takes the money for himself, but then feels guilty, so he goes to three people of faith to ask their opinion. The first man is a catholic priest and he says; "say three holy Marys and an our father, to make up for it." But after doing this he still feels guilty so he goes to the second man who is a Hindu, and he says to him, "with the money take a portion of it and donate it to someone to make up for your sin." So he takes his money, and goes to the third man who is an evangelist prosperity teacher, and the preacher says, "Praise the Lord, I'll take your donation!"

:rotfl3: Um...... Benny Hinn, Joel Olsteen, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc............................ 



#9 mike the wiz

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 10:58 AM

 

 

Killurbluff: Um...... Benny Hinn, Joel Olsteen, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc............................

 

:D Well I won't name names my lad, but if you are watching a show and the pastor says he's anointed a handkerchief by wiping his nose on it and it's now worth three hundred bucks of your money, it's time to change the tv station.  :rotfl3: 


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#10 piasan

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 09:54 AM

As I understand it, in Europe...

 

People who speak three languages are called "trilingual."

 

People who speak two languages are called "bilingual."

 

People who speak only one language are called ......

 

 

AMERICANS ! ! !



#11 KillurBluff

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 11:00 AM

Once was there a man of God whom worked his fields with his animals, and utensils he forged, he lived in his hand hewn, modest cabin. He rarely harvested much more than would provide for his entire family, relatives included. The rest was canned and stored up for times of leanness of the winter and he give away the remainder to strangers. The strangers whom received from his toils were always greeted with a smile and a Biblical scripture. His toils, became visible upon his brow, hands and body as he aged. He always received his entire family with open arms during every feast he supplied and spoke few but enriching words from the vast biblical scriptures which were ingrained in his mind. At the end of his days he believed he had pleased God. As he slipped into his eternal rest he realized the masses of people all around him, most of which he had not personally known while he was alive. These were those fruits of his labors whom had passed before him. He heard the voice of God almighty that said "Well Done My Good And Faithful Servant"!! He looked about his new Golden Palace fully adorned with all forms of precious stones and said "Praise God The Most High" and asked are these peoples all of my new family? God said "Nay" these are of your family that has always been, now enjoy my banquet which i have prepared for you all. He looked and saw his mother and dad as he enjoyed the waters of knowledge he shouted "Look Ma and Pa NO HANDS required!"



#12 what if

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Posted 30 March 2018 - 07:01 AM

alas for little willie, for he is no more.

for what he thought was H2O

was really H2SO4



#13 piasan

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Posted 01 April 2018 - 04:22 PM

alas for little willie, for he is no more.

for what he thought was H2O

was really H2SO4

Yeah,  I learned it just slightly modified ....

 

Little Willie was a chemist.

Little Willie is no more.

What he thought was H2O

Was H2SO4

 

I use it every year to explain to my students that you can't look at a container and tell what's in it.  It also helps explain why there is no eating or drinking in the lab.



#14 mike the wiz

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Posted 08 April 2018 - 07:10 AM

An atheist and a theist are discussing some things;

 

Theist: "Hey look at this, this car brake is place for maximum efficiency, made of the correct most effective material for brakes, I deduce brakes are put in that particular place on purpose. And hey, look at all these parts, all aimed at the goal of being an effective and viable design, and I notice on this car, if it rains you have windscreen wipers so you can see where you're driving, what do you think of my argument?"

 

Atheist: "I like the way you argue from knowledge,  our knowledge of intelligent design, you can see that where there are deliberate goals there is purpose, you deduce how contingency plans are best explained by a clever designer's foresight, you explain how specified complexity can only be from a designer when there are millions of parts all aimed at achieving one goal."

 

Theist: " He look at this human eye, all of the thousands of parts are all aimed at the goal of seeing, look at the skin here, it got cut but the clotting cascade seals the cut and solves the problem, I can see that bones are made from cartilage initially so they can grow and stretch, and how teeth are made of hard material on purpose rather than skin."

 

Atheist: "How can you argue from all of these gaps in knowledge".

 

:rotfl3: 



#15 piasan

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 11:43 PM

I was a 5 dollar pool hustler myself in my teens.. We usually played 9 ball sometime 8 ball... My idol was Keith McCready, I would watch him play at Hard Times in Newport Beach. They called him "Earthquake" and for good reason.. He once ran 12 racks in a row.. (Saw it with my own eyes) I used to practice by playing "Golf" with my uncle (I don't know if anyone plays it anymore), Huge 12 foot long tables with tiny pockets... if it didn't go perfectly into the pocket, it would bounce out, People who shot hard did poorly..   Yes, after playing "Golf", the bar table was so easy..

(Except for all the balls in the way inhibiting getting position for the next shot(s)   

Yeah .... I learned from my college roommate.   Played 14.1 continuous to 50.  When we started, he'd spot me 3-1  (If I made 17 before he made 50, I'd win.)  As I got better the handicap was adjusted.  At the end we were playing straight up and I was winning about a third of the games.  The semester after I left, he paid his school, room, and board with his pool winnings.  (I never played for money just table time and drinks.  I also had a two (alcohol) drink limit.  At the first sip of a third drink, I'd pack up my cue.)

 

My experience was the hard shooters never do well.  "Speed kills" on a pool table.  Any time I'd play someone new and see him slam in a six inch shot, I'd just smile.  I knew I'd own him .....

 

OK .... now to take this on topic ....a bit of humor ...

One night in my first game, I made about 3 or 4, messed up my position and missed a hard shot.

A lady behind me said: "See, he's not so good.  As soon as he left a hard shot, he missed it."

I turned to her and responded:  "Mam, if you're good at this game, you don't leave hard shots."

 

I didn't hear from her the rest of the night .....


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#16 mike the wiz

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 03:21 AM

 

Piasan: OK .... now to take this on topic ....a bit of humor ...

One night in my first game, I made about 3 or 4, messed up my position and missed a hard shot.

A lady behind me said: "See, he's not so good.  As soon as he left a hard shot, he missed it."

I turned to her and responded:  "Mam, if you're good at this game, you don't leave hard shots."

 

Hah! Quick-witted, I like it. But you also make a good point, and as you know that point is even more relevant in snooker, because positional play is what it is all about. Anyone can pot I guess, it's getting the cue ball in the exact position you want afterwards that's the trick. Though I don't have your experiences, mostly I speak from watching snooker on the TV. :D

 

She also committed a compositional fallacy, because had she been watching Stephen Hendry and he also missed his first difficult shot, the same conclusion would work. "He hits one bad shot, therefore as a whole he is not so good."

 

To base that conclusion on the observation of only one difficult shot is absurd, and I am sure you went on to pot many similar shots to the one you missed. 

 

It's a bit like a hasty generalization though that would refer to many people but it's the same type of error really;

 

 

 

Description: Drawing a conclusion based on a small sample size, rather than looking at statistics that are much more in line with the typical or average situation.


#17 wibble

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 09:52 AM

 

It's a bit like a hasty generalization though that would refer to many people but it's the same type of error really;

 
 
Description: Drawing a conclusion based on a small sample size, rather than looking at statistics that are much more in line with the typical or average situation.

 


That's funny, you do that very thing with "exquisitely preserved fossils" in your claims about the flood   :gigglesmile:



#18 mike the wiz

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 10:17 AM

 

 

Wibble: That's funny, you do that very thing with "exquisitely preserved fossils" in your claims about the flood

 

I don't see how, of all of the pictures of fossils I have ever saw, they have been well preserved so I am not going from a few. Isn't a well preserved fossil kind of a tautology anyway? Fossilisation sort of makes them well preserved because it captures them and encases them. I also made a post a while back showing searches I done on google for fossils and found about 2,000 pictures of well preserved ones. If most of them are decayed, barely recognisable blobs, wouldn't a google search for just the word, "fossils" reveal that most were like that?

 

Bit off topic really though.



#19 piasan

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 10:57 AM

, and I am sure you went on to pot many similar shots to the one you missed. 

Yeah, that's how I got on that team in the first place.  I was playing on "their" table and they had a practice session scheduled.  Fist thing I knew, there were about 15 quarters lined up on the table.  (It cost a quarter per game.)  I held them off their favorite table for about 12 games .... went thru the whole team twice. 

 

It was just one of those days when everything I saw went in.  The best was a banked, timed combination shot.  It went like cue ball into the 9 which will come off the rail and hit the (moving) cue ball changing its course to hit the 13 which will go into the corner pocket.  I called it, and the damn thing worked ! ! ! 

 

About half way into the run, the team captain asked me who I play for.  I told him I wasn't on a team.   After that shot, he asked if I was SURE I wasn't on any team.  I told him I was certain.   His comment:  "Well, you are now."   And I was ....



#20 KillurBluff

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 11:02 AM

My Peach, Pear, Apple, Plum and Orange trees are dropping their flowers. The chickens enjoy picking from the fallen pedals. Me and the wife have been drinking coffee amoung the bird feeders and a brilliant 'Baltimore Oriole' came down and chased off the 'Northern Cardinals' and started eating some homemade grape jelly on a platform feeder. The chickens ran over and were dashing about picking the fallen seeds in a frenzy! The wife chose to hold extra seed and hand feed the chickens. She has a few milan marks on her forearm and in the feeding frenzy they started pecking her milan spots lol. She screamed and indeed a small blood splatter appeared on her forearm!! I said half laughing "See Hun Dinosaurs are seeking pray! Dwarf Velociraptors are in ATTACK mode, run for your life"!!  :huh:  :gigglesmile:


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